A Man of Letters

Welcome back you sandbaggin sons-of-bitches.  I am pleased to inform you that the Dillosopher has made good on his promise to friends, family, and local area prostititutes to continue posts to his shitty, shitty blog (nausea not sold separately).  I am also pleased to inform you that, according to the charts and graphs conveniently provided by wordpress.com, a couple of you folks have been taking the time to visit the site (and hopefully using my maxims to start a small but dedicated religion in my honor).  While I’m pretty pumped to have some kind of audience — no matter how misguided (and probably drunk) they may be — if I were your life coach (and I can’t think of a worse idea), here are the first 3 things I can think of that you’d be better off spending your time doing:

1.  Watching too many back-episodes of “The Big Bang Theory.” It’s no “It’s Always Sunny…” and it’s not even “Modern Family,” but dammit those witty nerd-shitbirds have got me hooked (“shitnerds?” — nope.).  The Kaley Cuoco Factor makes this not cool, but not completely embarrassing (I just decided she’s my Natty Light of biddies right now — maybe not the best in show, but tasty and cheap enough where I want to take her home and down a 12-pack. I might have fucked up that metaphor.) If I were Bill Simmons (and I wish I was), and I had a fantasy draft for celebrity chicks that I thought I might have a chance with if money, fame, and amount of body hair weren’t a factor, she just might be my #1 overall pick.  Also, I might have youtube-stalked her for at least half a workday last week.

Naturally Smooth

2.  Going to see “Paranormal Activity” and subsequently getting sick all over the movie theater.  I’m pretty pumped that movie magic has hit such a majestic pinnacle that directors are completely capable of making viewers throw up at will.  ”Paranormal Activity” is a clear sign that God has truly blessed America.

3. Developing a new marketing campaign for the Mohegan Sun casino.  I mean shit guys, I just can’t have you ruin another classic.

If you’d rather read my shit, then here we go.  ’Preciate you taking the time.

So let’s get it started with a little chat about America’s favorite reality-TV hopefuls: the Heene family of good ole Fort Collins, Colorado.  As many of you folks know, I am a pretty staunch supporter of America, with its purple mountain majesty and glorious domestic beer selections.  Shit, I mean I’m wearing a USA bandana as I write this with hopes that God will bless me by association.  I’m not gonna lie though, I get a little nervous about our whole reality-TV culture if it’s going to create these kind of crazies (see Octomom).  Yeah, the kid has a sick name (Falcon, so good) — and yeah maybe it makes me want to test his aeronautic capabilities — but c’mon, this does not warrant an attempt to sham America with a giant deflated beach ball and a really poor showing at hide-and-seek (a box in the attic? really?  my little sister in her prime would’ve found that brat before the 6 o’clock news). I’ve never been happier to have come from a home where pulling a disappearing act like that would’ve meant getting a wooden, tomato-sauce-stirring spoon broken over my ass.

In other notes, I just got a text from a friend that read “Thank God they found balloon boy.  I was afraid Michael Jackson was ordering take-out from heaven.”  Pretty awesome.

Next up, I wanted to shed a little light (check out Dilly, watch him shine) on a new band that a buddy of mine (Dan Vassallo of Lakeland High School Yazz Band fame) is playing drums for.  They’re a pop/rock outfit based out of Boston called View From An Airplane (www.myspace.com/viewfromanairplane), and they are pretty effing sweet.  If you’re into catchy rock tunes that aren’t cheesy but still stick to your head like adhesive band-aids, hit that shit.  Their singer, Nick Conway has got a pretty flawless voice (it soars like a bald eagle), and I had the pleasure of hearing him live this past weekend.  The motherfucker does not miss a note.  It’s kind of scary.  He might be a robot.  When their debut record (the “All The Right Words” ep) drops, I will 1) plug them again and 2) try and force them to let me post the track they did with John O of The Maine.  I’ve heard it, and that shit is catastrophically good.  In closing, please do yourself a favor and check them out (or check them out… and then do yourself a favor — wink, wink) (I hate myself).

To close, I did want to take a minute to pay my respects to the late Jasper Howard, a 20-year-old defensive back at the University of Connecticut who was stabbed to death in an altercation on-campus last weekend.  With the Angels in the ALCS this year, and with this weekend’s tragedy, it’s hard to not be reminded of the passing of  Nick Adenhart, the Angels’ budding star-pitcher who was killed in an accident with a drunk driver earlier this year. He was 22. My only request is that we please figure out a way that this kind of senseless loss of young lives can stop happening. Both of these instances, as I’m sure is true of many other tragedies of this nature, were completely irresponsible, and completely unnecessary.

With that being said, I hope you all enjoyed this week’s post.  As young people, we kind of owe it to ourselves, and to the world, to do some pretty stupid shit.  This blog is a great example of that.  Thanks a lot, and God bless.

Currently Listening to:

The Dangerous Summer

“Reach For The Sun”